11.30.13 (Regret)

I’ve  gone through some events in my life recently; some big events. I’ve had some thoughts pertaining to them, and maybe I’ll discuss them in full detail later, but there’s one thing I want to tackle right now, in this post.
And that dreaded six-letter word is regret.
Six letters never took up more space in a heart; I mean, even words like love and hate are only four letters, and people consider them so powerful.
I’m not going to give you tips on how to not regret because I still do that, even though I try not to. But I want to talk about something I’ve realised about regret, and that is this (I’m going to block quote this because I think it’s important):

If you regret your past decisions, you’re only regretting the person you’ve become; and if that’s the case, you simply have to move on and be better, not dwell on the decisions, good or bad, that you’ve made, as that will only lead to self-hatred and self-deception.

You are wonderful just because you exist. That’s all you have to do to be wonderful; at least, in my books. You may think I’m just spouting hippie mumbo jumbo, but I’m really not. I’m in awe every day of humans. It boggles my mind that two people can think of the same idea and never even meet each other, or that two people can get the same fortune in a fortune cookie, or that people collect thousands of dollars worth of food and other supplies to send to people they probably have never met. It’s beautiful, striking, and a little bit unnerving all at the same time.
That being said, why should you regret yourself? The perfect amalgamation of circumstances that created you is something to marvel at every day. You could’ve been anyone else, but you’re not. You’re not, you never will be.
I make mistakes. I make a lot of mistakes- as any of the guys I’ve dated in the last five years or the friends I’ve had in the last 18, and they’ll give you different answers. But I wouldn’t change any of them for a goddamn second (pardon my language, it was needed). I am just starting to love who I am, that’s true. But what I do love is my life, and without me, my family, anyone else, everyone else, my life wouldn’t be the way it is. I am so lucky to have the life I have, the friends I have, the family I have, and I wouldn’t trade them for the world.
By regretting anything I’ve done in the past, I only regret myself and my life. That’s what I’ve learned about regret. Its a leech on your soul that slowly makes you reconsider every aspect of your life and causes you to hate everything you once loved. I don’t want to regret anymore for exactly that reason. I will own up to my mistakes, I will apologize for how they made the ones I love feel, and how they made me feel in turn. Maybe I will want to go back and change them. But I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason, and that mistakes regretting them won’t ever help.
So to the ones I’ve loved, will love, have liked, will like, have hurt, and will hurt, I’m sorry for what I’ve done or will do. But if you accept me, I’ll accept you. I promise- and I forgive you.
Don’t let regret leech the lifeblood from you.

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